Things To Do For Summer

It’s like an oven outside! I’m a little bit concerned that by this time tomorrow, I will no longer have the molecular structure of a human. So, before I turn into a puddle, I thought I’d share with you some pro tips on surviving the summer! Hey, I made it till now.

Use with caution.

        1. Sweat profusely. 

Remember: you wanted this.

2.     Briefly take up tennis, after being inspired by Wimbledon.

 This is your consolation prize in the place of the Olympics. Yes, in 2012, we were inspired to do all kinds of sport. Remember that one cycling trip where you stayed on the pavement the whole way? Or when you played badminton for five straight hours only to later discover that mosquitoes had been confusing you for lunch the entire time? You must remember the trip to the pool! You had to leave after realising you’d only shaved one leg because of that distracting daydream you’d had in the shower. It was the daydream about little people working the cogs of Ryan Lochte’s mind.

 …Or was that all just me?

 Well, anyway, this year your options are tennis or football. Football is so not fetch, you guys, so you have to take up tennis. You have no choice. If you suck at tennis, try slow-motion tennis with wings (badminton).

(It’s okay, you can give up in a couple of days. You tried.)

 3.     Ice, ice everything.

For the next few weeks (HEAT WAVE), nothing will taste good unless it has been frozen, or at the very least refrigerated. To be honest, food won’t taste good at all. But at least it will taste cold. As you throw your Quavers into the bottom shelf of your freezer, between the canned tuna and the lettuce, excitably yell: “EASY FREEZY.” It just adds a little panache to proceedings.

 By the way, while food suddenly becomes less than interesting, cold drinks will seriously spice up your life. Ice them to within an inch of their lives and all will be well. Even if it’s a revolting drink, it will taste of ice. Ice is the only flavour you need. You want it so frozen that if you hit someone over the head with it, it would knock ‘em out (gangsta). Disclaimer: do not try this.

 4.     Write on trees.

Take this time to put away the technology. The laptops are overheating before you’ve even got to the dramatic turning on music (attention-seeking much). It’s time to get out a notepad and write original thoughts down, while sipping on Pimms and lounging on a chaise longue. Stay classy.

 Careful though, there’s a wind. Don’t let all that philosophical insight and creative mindpower blow away. Oh. Too late.

5.     Buy deodorant. A good one. Use it.

God, I can smell you from here.

 6.     Instagram the sky.

It’s okay. You can do this as many times per day as you want. Everybody else is. As much as I’m yet to actually be surprised by the content of all summery scenic images ever uploaded, if there is any shady alien shit going on up there, I reckon one of those Instagrammers will be on it like a car bonnet. Makes it a little easier to sleep at night, don’t you think?

Note from author: don’t use Kelvin.

 7.     Don’t touch people.

Look at yourself. What are you wearing? If your upper half is bare, why are you hugging this acquaintance? If the only thing between your skin and their skin is a revolting layer of bodily fluid, stop. I’m not blaming you. It’s the sun’s fault. It is. I know this. However, damage control. If you want to be held, wear a t-shirt – unless you know me really, really well. If you aren’t sure whether you qualify, assume you don’t.

 Sweaty hugs are not hugs, they’re ughs.

 8.     Beware TV.

So you’ve got some time off. Why not catch up on all the Parks and Rec you missed while you were buried under the weight of all the textbooks available on the inner workings of Sylvia Plath’s mind? Why not dabble in a nostalgic ER re-run? Why not? Are you crazy? You’ve got a whole summer to yourself and you think you’ll be able to stop just as soon as George Clooney’s saved that one little boy from drowning? Do you want to never leave your house again?!

 My suggestion is: pick carefully the boxsets you choose to begin and don’t sign up for Netflix (warning: you will spiral). British comedy is the safest option. Seasons max out at about 10 episodes and they’re shorter episodes than drama, so at least there’s at least a chance of some Vitamin D. See, Mum, I’m responsible. (When you get bored of that, The West Wing is excellent.)

 9.     Say yes to things.

Summer is the time to take opportunities. Whether it be work, travel or socialising, go do. Summer’s the one time of the year when there are things for everyone to do. If you love the outdoors, go to the beach or the countryside and indulge in a jolly bit of nature. If you love the indoors, the cinemas are full of blockbusters and the occasional indie gem (Before Midnight), there are plays and musicals for those who like it a little more 3D and, if none of that appeals, perhaps just retro it up with a little bowling. You can do it all with a side order of saturated fats. ‘Tis the season.

 Don’t say yes to drugs, though. Just say no. Maybe talk to Frank. Or the Hollyoaks helpline, I don’t know. Question: can you call the Hollyoaks helpline if you feel traumatised by how bad the quality of Hollyoaks is or?

 10.  Read. Read all the books.

Now is the perfect time.

Happy summer.