Things To Do For Christmas


Holidays are coming. Holidays are coming. Holidays are coming…

  1. Wear as many festive jumpers as you possibly can. I’m talking fairisle, reindeers, snowmen, snowflakes. This is one the time of year when garish is good. Capitalise on that. Keep warm and carry on.
  2. For all those people who hate festive jumpers, buy them one for Christmas. If they want to Scrooge it up, throw some tinsel around their necks and blast Michael Buble’s Christmas album at them. No time for grumps. You don’t want to be friends with someone who won’t go festive.
  3. Instagram every fucking Starbucks you buy in December. Not that you needed my encouragement. Go on, you bunch of sheep. Seriously, I had so many pictures of their festive cup when they brought it back that it was my entire Instagram timeline. I almost forgot the true purpose of Instagram: pictures of sunsets.
  4. WRITE CARDS PROPERLY. Don’t half-ass Christmas. This holiday season is a time for whole-assing. If you’re like me and you have under 30ish cards to write, write a damn card. I’m not talking about “Hi Beyonce, Merry Christmas, Love Jess xoxo”. Write some feelings down. Tell people they’re great (they really like it). Tell people you miss them. Tell people the same joke you’ve been telling when you see them every single day (no, but Heather, what have you done today to make you feel proud? …Sorry Heather). I think cards can mean a lot and how often do you write to someone by hand? Take this opportunity.
  5. Rest your writing hand, because of all the carpal tunnel you got from following suggestion #4, by using your other hand to change the channel from Christmas special to Christmas special. There’s so much bloomin’ telly on the box in December, your hands will be equally tired by the grueling Christmas schedule by C-Day dinner.
  6. Avoid buying anything bath-related items for people you don’t really know that well but still have to buy a gift for. They’ve never used the set of bath salts you got them in 2006, nor the bath bomb of ’08, nor the body lotion of 2010. They use the products that they buy for themselves every week at Tesco. At least if it’s chocolate, they’ll actually get eaten. But do try to be creative and fun in your gifting. It always shows. Also, getting smellies always reads as, “I know I don’t see you that often but when I do, you bloody stink.”
  7. Deck the halls with tacky baubles, tra-la-la-la-laa la-la-la-la. In all seriousness, I do expect 3,000 fairy lights and a giant inflatable Santa to decorate the front of your house. Don’t let me down. If people aren’t confusing your home for Santa’s grotto, you haven’t tried hard enough.
  8. Put your gifts ON the tree. Cliff said so.
  9. Leave a mince pie out for Santa (with Rudolph’s carrot). Dude’s come a long way to give you your presents. It’s the least you could do.
  10. Show gratitude. Both when you get that perfect present and when someone’s missed the mark (but tried!). If you, like me, get to sit around the tree with family opening presents before a three course festive feast, you’ve got nothing to complain about. Let those thank yous spill out faster than the mulled wine.

Merry Christmas! And to all those who don’t celebrate Christmas… Happy Holidays!

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1 Comment

  1. This is brilliant. And hell yes to the presents on the tree.


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