Why I’m Glad I Didn’t Go To Hogwarts

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Have a biscuit.

Listen, I know what you’re thinking but hear me out. At this point, I’ve seen so many “when will my Hogwarts acceptance letter arrive” statuses that the total word count would probably exceed Facebook’s terms and conditions. And I get it. You want to hang with McGonogall, you want a little taste of that Butterbeer and to escape the mundane in favour of the magical. However, I recently re-read one of the books and it occurred to me… I don’t think anyone’s really thought this through properly.

  1.  Terrorism. That school is a bigger terrorist target than the Houses of Parliament. I mean, they should probably name a condiment after it. It’s crazy. Yes, there’s a magical shield protecting the school but, ultimately, how much use is that in seventh year? I feel like adolescence is traumatic enough without having to worry about Death Eaters!
  2. Student counselling. In re-reading the fifth novel, it occurred to me that the school did Cho Chang a major disservice in the lack of available counselling. The poor girl is in her fifth year and has to deal with the death of her boyfriend (perhaps someone should tell her that he came back as a vampire). She spends the whole book crying and no one seems to care. Also, in first year, Harry has to adjust from living in a cupboard under the stairs to suddenly being the second most famous wizard and the target of a scary nose-less monster. Perhaps he’d want to talk that through with a trained professional, no? Maybe if Tom Riddle had been able to talk to someone about his troubles, maybe get some CBT, maaaaybe the whole sorry business wouldn’t have happened. Just sayin’.
  3. The Hogwarts Houses. Do you really want your life trajectory to be determined by a smug talking hat? If dude yells, “Slytherin!” I think you have every right to just respond with, “Bitch, you don’t know my life!” Why do they even have Slytherin? It feels like 11 years old is a little young to effectively call out a quarter of the school year as utter scum, no? And it’s just like, oh, spoiler alert: at the last minute Gryffindor win because Harry and co. defeated Voldemort… again.
  4. English, Maths and Science are pretty important subjects. I hate to be a total nerd here but I think everyone can recognise the notable difference in their skills in all three subjects between the ages of 11 and 18, can’t they? I dread to think what my life would look like if I still had just the literacy skills I acquired in primary school. I sure as hell wouldn’t be able to use a semi-colon. Sure, Potions might replicate Chemistry and History of Magic might replicate History and Ancient Runes might replicate Modern Languages, but they need a little literacy on that curriculum. This school cannot be Ofsted approved. I’m surprised Hermione let this slide.
  5. Technology is basically more advanced than magic at this point. Think about it. Who wants owls when you could send someone a message instantaneously over email? And who needs a Marauders Map when everyone’s phones have GPS? Those moving portraits? Helloooo, gifs! Remember when Harry and Sirius had to stick their heads into fireplaces to communicate? Well, now we have Skype. And no one has ever needed a mobile phone more than Harry Potter: “Hey Harry, it’s Harry. Hang in there. I love you. Bye.” I feel like technology has rendered the magical world rather redundant. I’m not saying it lessens the enjoyment of a rewatch but if the films had been delayed and were being released now, wouldn’t you wonder why Harry didn’t get a laptop, or a phone? I feel like it wouldn’t feel at all current. While those things existed when Harry Potter was released, they’ve since become ubiquitous. Twitter would have really helped the DA in Deathly Hallows because, hello, coded tweets for the resistance. Also, can you imagine Voldemort’s smack talk tweets…

Untitled-1Are you sure you want to go to Hogwarts, folks? I mean, this is a big decision and I just want you to think this through. You can take your special, bespoke wand made of unicorn tears and shamrocks but you’ll have to leave that Macbook with your Muggle parents. Yes, that’s right. And your smartphone!

I hope that Butterbeer is worth it.

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6 Comments

  1. Haha, I would go for fun, but only after Voldemort has been defeated. LOL

    Reply
  2. Very funny post. 😀 Great Job!

    Reply
  3. This was so funny, I almost died at the “bitch, you don’t know my life!” part! Though, I have to admit, if I were to get a letter (even at the super old age of 22), I’d probably still go despite everything you mentioned lol!

    Reply
  4. This straight up made me laugh at least 5 times! Great post!

    Reply

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