Timehop is the Enemy.

As you can see, I've undergone a Walter White style transformation over five short years.

As you can see, I’ve undergone a Walter White style transformation over five short years.

Apps are a particularly fickle world of trends, with games and features going from de rigueur to old news faster than your average celebrity. It’s easy to tell which are riding the wave because the notifications will lay siege to any and all of your social network feeds. Recently, the app that seems to be flavour of the month is Timehop, the poor man’s Tardis. Given my penchant for nostalgia, it didn’t take me too much convincing to download the popular time travel app myself. Oh, what a fool. A foolish naive newborn baby. Timehop, as I learned firsthand, is the enemy.

Let's not.

Let’s not.

A few years ago, I abruptly stopped writing status updates on Facebook in the casual manner that I once had, suddenly self-conscious of my own inanity. I had forgotten that I had ever used the social media platform so liberally, but a result of my recent radio silence on Facebook (and the logistical issues connecting up my Twitter feed) has been that the only Timehops I see are five-year-old Facebook statuses. These contain two surprises of note. The first is that more than one update comes up per day. Baby Me is the very person I mock for unnecessary social media over-sharing! Instead of the sparse, amusing anecdotes that I like to pretend I am providing, it is garbage nonsense. It’s not even sparkling garbage. It’s just mundane, weird, pointless excerpts from my day! I wasn’t even dressing it up. Re-reading some of these posts, I imagine this is what people go through when they discover childhood journals. I feel incredibly detached from, and embarrassed by, these posts. I’ve changed a lot since I was 17. I can’t think what right now, but a lot. Trust me. Ooh! I got one, I got one: I don’t have a fringe anymore!

The second surprise has been that many, and yes I’m talking plural here, of these statuses have been about Glee of all things! I don’t even remember ever liking Glee! It was a six week period in a long-forgotten past and I had blocked that shit out. Now, all of a sudden, I’m being confronted by the mistakes of yesteryear. My brain was trying to protect me and now Timehop has undone all that good forgetting. No one wanted this, Timehop. Can’t you develop a filter to protect me from myself?

The worst thing is, while I have the app downloaded, I can’t just avoid it. Timehop sends me emails to make sure I don’t miss out on the entries for each day. I get friendly reminders that, oh, it’s been five years since pointless status #567: “is crying with laughter.” Do you remember when third person statuses were a phase? I hope they were a phase and that wasn’t just me.  Here are some recent updates I’ve had from Timehop, also known as the ghost of my terrible past:


Firstly, I’d like to point out that I was treating myself before “Treat Yo Self” had even been created. I think maybe you all have me to thank for the sacred occasion. Secondly, this status is so weird and mysterious. Why am I doubting my worth as a Treat Yo Self celebrant? Was I always this whiny? Just treat yo self and own it, Jessica. Get your shit together and wipe your eyes. What is wrong with you, girl? Damn. Honestly, the most interesting thing about this status update is that it was once 7°c on a Wednesday. Share this? Timehop, have you read it?! Why would I want to remind people that I once bought unidentified boxsets five years ago?


Five years ago, I was clearly clinging to the ailing Myspace because no one had told me that the world was over it. Why was I giving Myspace a second chance? What did Myspace ever do for anybody? To be honest, cringier than my pathetic attempt to gain Myspace friends is the omission of a comma in that sentence. Also, it’s good to see that even though I’m making multiple updates in the same day, they are really worthwhile. I mean, who didn’t need clarification of my feelings for Jim Halpert on January 30th 2010? FYI: they are unchanged.

The only way I think I can move forward now is to delete the app and hope that one day I forget my Glee phase all over again. The only reason I haven’t deleted it yet is a part of me really needs to assurance that I’ve done something – anything! – at some point that is worth remembering with fondness. I want to believe that it’s not all just, “The time has come… GLEE!” Pray for me.

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  1. oh my god that amount of times I wrote about Glee is embarrassing!!!

    • It’s just so weird because I obviously went from watching it devotedly to entirely forgetting I’d ever watched it. So embarrassing to read back, though. Do you have Timehop? So much of it is a cringefest, lol.

      • I wake up every morning to see what a horrible sixteen year old I was. It makes me never want to post anything on facebook ever again.

      • Haha, I’m exactly the same. The pointlessness of the updates is consistently astounding!

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