Things To Do For Summer

It’s like an oven outside! I’m a little bit concerned that by this time tomorrow, I will no longer have the molecular structure of a human. So, before I turn into a puddle, I thought I’d share with you some pro tips on surviving the summer! Hey, I made it till now.

Use with caution.

        1. Sweat profusely. 

Remember: you wanted this.

2.     Briefly take up tennis, after being inspired by Wimbledon.

 This is your consolation prize in the place of the Olympics. Yes, in 2012, we were inspired to do all kinds of sport. Remember that one cycling trip where you stayed on the pavement the whole way? Or when you played badminton for five straight hours only to later discover that mosquitoes had been confusing you for lunch the entire time? You must remember the trip to the pool! You had to leave after realising you’d only shaved one leg because of that distracting daydream you’d had in the shower. It was the daydream about little people working the cogs of Ryan Lochte’s mind.

 …Or was that all just me?

 Well, anyway, this year your options are tennis or football. Football is so not fetch, you guys, so you have to take up tennis. You have no choice. If you suck at tennis, try slow-motion tennis with wings (badminton).

(It’s okay, you can give up in a couple of days. You tried.)

 3.     Ice, ice everything.

For the next few weeks (HEAT WAVE), nothing will taste good unless it has been frozen, or at the very least refrigerated. To be honest, food won’t taste good at all. But at least it will taste cold. As you throw your Quavers into the bottom shelf of your freezer, between the canned tuna and the lettuce, excitably yell: “EASY FREEZY.” It just adds a little panache to proceedings.

 By the way, while food suddenly becomes less than interesting, cold drinks will seriously spice up your life. Ice them to within an inch of their lives and all will be well. Even if it’s a revolting drink, it will taste of ice. Ice is the only flavour you need. You want it so frozen that if you hit someone over the head with it, it would knock ‘em out (gangsta). Disclaimer: do not try this.

 4.     Write on trees.

Take this time to put away the technology. The laptops are overheating before you’ve even got to the dramatic turning on music (attention-seeking much). It’s time to get out a notepad and write original thoughts down, while sipping on Pimms and lounging on a chaise longue. Stay classy.

 Careful though, there’s a wind. Don’t let all that philosophical insight and creative mindpower blow away. Oh. Too late.

5.     Buy deodorant. A good one. Use it.

God, I can smell you from here.

 6.     Instagram the sky.

It’s okay. You can do this as many times per day as you want. Everybody else is. As much as I’m yet to actually be surprised by the content of all summery scenic images ever uploaded, if there is any shady alien shit going on up there, I reckon one of those Instagrammers will be on it like a car bonnet. Makes it a little easier to sleep at night, don’t you think?

Note from author: don’t use Kelvin.

 7.     Don’t touch people.

Look at yourself. What are you wearing? If your upper half is bare, why are you hugging this acquaintance? If the only thing between your skin and their skin is a revolting layer of bodily fluid, stop. I’m not blaming you. It’s the sun’s fault. It is. I know this. However, damage control. If you want to be held, wear a t-shirt – unless you know me really, really well. If you aren’t sure whether you qualify, assume you don’t.

 Sweaty hugs are not hugs, they’re ughs.

 8.     Beware TV.

So you’ve got some time off. Why not catch up on all the Parks and Rec you missed while you were buried under the weight of all the textbooks available on the inner workings of Sylvia Plath’s mind? Why not dabble in a nostalgic ER re-run? Why not? Are you crazy? You’ve got a whole summer to yourself and you think you’ll be able to stop just as soon as George Clooney’s saved that one little boy from drowning? Do you want to never leave your house again?!

 My suggestion is: pick carefully the boxsets you choose to begin and don’t sign up for Netflix (warning: you will spiral). British comedy is the safest option. Seasons max out at about 10 episodes and they’re shorter episodes than drama, so at least there’s at least a chance of some Vitamin D. See, Mum, I’m responsible. (When you get bored of that, The West Wing is excellent.)

 9.     Say yes to things.

Summer is the time to take opportunities. Whether it be work, travel or socialising, go do. Summer’s the one time of the year when there are things for everyone to do. If you love the outdoors, go to the beach or the countryside and indulge in a jolly bit of nature. If you love the indoors, the cinemas are full of blockbusters and the occasional indie gem (Before Midnight), there are plays and musicals for those who like it a little more 3D and, if none of that appeals, perhaps just retro it up with a little bowling. You can do it all with a side order of saturated fats. ‘Tis the season.

 Don’t say yes to drugs, though. Just say no. Maybe talk to Frank. Or the Hollyoaks helpline, I don’t know. Question: can you call the Hollyoaks helpline if you feel traumatised by how bad the quality of Hollyoaks is or?

 10.  Read. Read all the books.

Now is the perfect time.

Happy summer.

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Born To Dye

Image

Lana Del Rey puns. Yeah, baby.

Tonight I dyed my hair for the first time ever. Okay, not ever. There was that one time when I dyed it black to rebel. (My mum didn’t care, so I didn’t do it again.) This is the only serious time, when it’s actually been in the interest of making me look nice ‘n’ stuff.

With the help of my trusted hairdresser (read: complete novice), Louise Jones, today was the day: the day for change. I decided I wanted to change things up in the hair department, ruling out legs, bums and armpits and going for the classic head hair. About two years after the rest of the world, I opted to get on board with the ombre trend.

Instructions, you say:

  • You put the lime in the coconut and mix them both up.
  • Dab and scrunch.
  • Find an astonishing number of sexual innuendos regarding the hair dying process (e.g. “this is gonna make you wet”, “bend over” – standard immaturity).
  • Grab a friend, get in a shower and wash your sillies out.
  • Rinse and repeat.
  • Take selfies.

Yes, you now have stunning ombre hair, you stunner. Wow. I am blown away. Twirl. Walk with a jaunt. That’s it. Now you’re ready to be unleashed. You must now immediately take up all opportunities to socialise so as to maximise utility.

The ombre is not the ombre without the obligatory root to tip comparison. Yeah, grab the ends of your hair and put it over your face like a fringe. Crazy stuff. It’ll bring back all the memories of yesterday’s hair. Like, remember when it was the same colour all the way down? Good times. But it’s more exciting now – this was a good decision.

And that’s ombre, folks! I’ve been Jessica Eve Kennedy, and you’ve been dyed.

How To Catch Buses and Alienate Yourself

I’m a very experienced bus-catcher. For proof of this, see my tweets and then imagine me communicating all of them from a bus. As many of you can attest, catching the bus is about as enjoyable as catching the flu. But, never fear, the many hours I’ve spent ridin’ ‘round town in a yellow double decker have taught me a few tricks…

  1. Always check for late risers! This one has caught out many public transport novices over the years. I get it. It’s cold and you’ve been on your feet all day; you’re eager to get on that bus. But wait. The 82 year old in the second row’s decided to wait a good 10 seconds after the bus has completely stopped before indicating she’s getting off, and you’re already trying to pay the driver. Rookie mistake. You must survey the bus for late risers before stepping on (basic bus etiquette).
  2. Bring iPod. Obvious but effective. If you’ve got headphones in, it drastically reduces the number of people who will attempt to talk to you. Pro tip: it doesn’t matter if your iPod is charged.
  3. The upstairs, downstairs trick. Imagine it: you’re sat upstairs and some drunken youths (you’re younger than them but they’re drinking on public transport so all bets are off) sit very close to you. You sense they may heckle you, or worse, try to initiate conversation. My solution: pretend it’s your stop and get your ass downstairs.
  4. The stinky food solution. Friends, Romans, countrymen, this is a timeless classic. Effective on any form of public transport (most useful on coaches, FYI), stinky food is your solution to company. Sick of people trying to sit next to you? Buy yourself some Frazzles or an egg sandwich and Bob’s your uncle*, no one wants to come within a good double seat of you.
  5. Bags need seats too. Another obvious one for avoiding company. When you take your window seat, dump your bag in the aisle seat to put off any prospective seat-sharers. It is effective up until the point where the only seats left are the bag seats, and then it’s anyone’s guess who the over-perfumed Avon lady’s going to sit next to. Obviously, move the bag when things fill up – you’re not an asshole. Pro tip: when seats are running low, move your bag early if you see a non-creepy-looking person. Don’t leave it to chance (CHANCE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND).
  6. NEVER make eye contact. I cannot stress this enough. Eye contact is the cardinal sin of catching the bus. Once done, it cannot be undone. If you want to stare at strangers on the bus (and let’s face it, you do), just watch via their reflection in the window. They think you’re gazing out of the window, you know different.
  7. Invisibility cloak. This is particularly effective when travelling with riotous schoolchildren behaving like pack animals. They will approach. They will annoy. The best solution is to whip out your invisibility cloak and disappear. Warning: they may sit on you.
  8. Speed dial a friend. Much like Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, repeat bus travel requires a ‘Phone A Friend’ option. Use only in the case of an emergency (e.g. you haven’t even got headphones that you can pretend are plugged into something).

Follow these simple steps and you’re guaranteed to a safe, interaction-free journey home. Good luck friends.

*DNA test proven